Dark Before the Sun
by carlycarter
Summary: Aeryn's perspective of life on Moya as she becomes more distant from everyone on board (early season 2). When Aeryn and Chianna turn up after being missing for forty three days, Crichton will stop at nothing to uncover what happened in that time, even if it destroys Aeryn and his relationship with her in the process. Aeryn centric, but including everyone.
1. Authors Note and Prologue

"_**Dark before the Sun " Chapters 1-27 **_

_**A "Farscape" Fic, centred on Aeryn Sun**_

_This is a fic about Aeryn, of course John is in it, everyone is in it, but centrally it is about Aeryn, so I'm sorry if your favourite characters don't get enough storyline, but it's very unashamadely Aeryn centered. _

_This fic sets off in the early stages of season 2, and diverges from canon shortly after, taking heavily from "Crackers Don't Matter" "Picture if you Will" and "The Way We Weren't" …._

_**My thanks and dedication-**_

My many thanks to Claudia Black Online Group FB, a fantastic group of creative people who have a blast.

In particular the very humble 'wishes to remain nameless' admin of the group, who created beautiful fan art for this story which you can view at my Live Journal "carlyisnot" . The art work is so insightful, and really captures a piece of the character of Aeryn, I hope my work captures a similar picture. If you enjoy the story, or the art, And whether you enjoy the story or not, If you love Farscape and Claudia Black, then please check out the group :)

Many thanks and credit to Jacci Grace for her time brainstorming with me about titles, and generally giving me confidence to post. You are extremely insightful and have wisdom well beyond your years, and I would not have had confidence to actually post this without you. You are a very generous and genuine person and you will achieve anything you set out for in life. I don't think you realise what a special person you are to the people around you.

And last but by no means least, Candise Mitton, who came up with the title after I had been bashing myself over the head for months. A big big thank you for that :) The story would not see the light of day without you. Also for reminding me to be careful in what I say, because words matter, and for showing me that even out of conflict, great friendships can grow with just a little bit of communication and patience, I am grateful for this lesson most of all. And for your patience with me. You have inspired me, as an author and as a person, more than you will ever know.

And everyone at the Claudia Black Online FB group, all of the art work and videos, the creativity, and the inspiration, friendship and support has meant everything to me. I have no words to tell you how special the group is to my heart. I have little to give back, I am not talented at graphic art or videos, I'm not even talented at fan fiction, but I do enjoy it, and I hope in this small way I can give something back to the group that has given me so much.

_**To the reader-**_ assuming there are any-

1/ I am aware that second person narration is not popular, it's clumsy, and confusing, and takes the reader away from enjoying the story because they are trying too hard to understand the narration. Believe me I have edited this story, all 27 chapters, into third person, first person, and many combinations. It's a deliberate choice to leave it this way, as it first came to me. I really want to emphasize the story is entirely from Aeryn's perspective. I want the reader to have access only to what Aeryn is thinking, and the events that she is a part of. I know there are other ways to do that, but it really seemed to fit this way. If it's too irritating and you don't want to read it I apologise, and I certainly am aware it is off putting. But at the end of the day that's how the story presented itself to me, and that's how I feel I have to present it here. Of course I love people to enjoy what I write, but at the end of the day I wrote this for myself most of all, and I stand by my choice. If you really have an aversion to second person narration then it's fine if you don't even read it. I really don't need twenty people commenting about how much better it would be in third person. It's deliberately written this way and I am aware it's not popular (thanks to my beta readers and their very subtle hints lol), it is what it is, and that's it. I hope if you give it a chance the narration won't interfere with the story. If anyone desperately really needs to see it in first or third person i'm happy to send you the drafts, but it is very deliberately and permanently posted this way for a reason. And I hope it works and creates the picture i set out to create. And I thank you for your patience working through the piece in second person.

2/ I'm not a Farscape expert, forgive any vocabulary errors, and spelling errors, I tried my hardest to consult the Farscape dictionary, but honestly I'm not even sure I have the characters names right, and if anyone feels the need to correct, send me a pm I will email you the draft copy and I will be most grateful. My beta reader isn't a Farscape fan (I know right! Not possible!) so really have no second opinion on that part of things. My beta reader, much as I love her to death, also English is not her first language, so really any spelling and grammar errors are mine not hers. Again if you have a burning desire to correct my grammar knock yourself out :) I have tried hard to read and re read, but of course I am blind to my own errors.

Also for the record, all my beta readers prefer this in third person, and take no responsibility for my choice to keep it this way :) I take the blame and after much consideration, I present it this way to you.

I dearly hope someone out there finds some enjoyment in this tale, and if so please let me know :) Constructive criticism also welcomed (but believe me i know, you hate second person narrative.) If you read it at all i would love to hear your thoughts , good or bad.

PS- DISCLAIMER- i own nothing :)

_**Dark Before The Sun **_

_**Prologue- **_

"_You can be so much more_."

It lost nothing in the translation, of this you are certain. You had heard it before, from Velorek, in your very own Sebacean mother tongue, and again, from Crichton, in his clumsy Earth language, the meaning still the same- you can be better, Aeryn. Aeryn, you're not good enough. No matter how many times you shake your head, willing those frelling translator microbes to give you a different definition, there simply was none.

You, Aeryn, are just not enough.

You never were enough.

"_Broke every vow you made since the day you were born" _as Crichton put it. One minute he is telling you that you can be more than just a peacekeeper soldier, Better than a peacekeeper, and the next minute he is insulting you for your betrayal, lack of loyalty. Aside from the frustrating inconsistency, something about his words really cut deeply.

OK, you said some things yourself that you weren't proud of. You even laughed when he threw his best insults at you. You're not sure if that was the T'raltixx craziness that made you stand there and laugh in the face of that verbal assault, or was that all your own reaction. You'd love to let the whole conversation dissolve away under the amnesty of the T'raltixx mind-frell, but no. There are three things that won't let you get past it.

Firstly, you don't believe T'raltixx could actually take over your mind, or any one else's. He could only work with what was already there, hidden deep down. Crichton's words had to come from somewhere. They weren't nonsensical, they were perfectly logical and in context to the situation. Maybe T'raltixx just gave Crichton the ability to speak what he really thought, without fear. Secondly, and most importantly, Crichton's words, as well as being fitting to the situation, were entirely true. You don't challenge his accusation. Crichton wasn't wrong. And thirdly, lesser being that he is, Crichton claims he was not as "affected" as the rest of you. Perhaps he was not "affected" at all. Therefore, you hold him more accountable for the things he said and did than the others, or even yourself. He said what he thought. What he thought was true. So you don't know why you feel this dull ache inside your chest every time you think about it. And furthermore, you don't know WHY you can't stop thinking about it. About him.

He had apologised. That's what Crichton does, now and then, when he thinks the circumstances warrant it. When he is afraid that his words have caused offence. That was a concept foreign to you. Peace keepers aren't big on remorse. What did the apology mean, anyway? That he was sorry he said something? Why was he sorry? His words were true. He certainly can't be under any illusion that he hurt you with his words, after all you laughed right in his face. Anyway, whatever this remorseful apology meant, it didn't take back his words, nor what he thought about you. And really, why should he trust you? Why should any body trust you? You did betray everything you were brought up to believe in. Years and years of conditioning, education, your whole life, and you betrayed it in a microt. Uncontested.

Maybe the fact that you did all that for Crichton made you feel that he owed you a certain amount of respect, gratitude, loyalty. But really, you can't claim any heroism. You carelessly uttered a few words, it wasn't planned, nor were you intending to get yourself irreversibly contaminated. You were planning to save him from death, you don't know why, but you were. But that is meaningless. He is right, you betrayed your people, for a man you just met. Why should he believe that you are capable of any kind of loyalty at all? Of course, he does not trust you.

No one on Moya trusts you.

And again, it's not the fact that people don't trust you that makes you squirm. What you can't get your head around is the feeling inside when you think about not being trusted. The feeling inside when Crichton first said those words to you, that you betrayed everything, that you have no loyalty. The way you felt when the other saw the tape, the way they looked at you as if you were a monster. You don't even have words for the way that made you feel. Because you had never felt anything like it. And you're not sure you want to be "feeling" things, if this is what it feels like. Better stick with that you're good at. A soldier. Simple. Painless. Uncomplicated. Best that people have no grand expectations about your honour, and best you not have any expectations either. That's just the way it will have to be.

You are who you are, who you were born to be. How can you be better than who you are? The concept itself makes no sense, leaving you feeling all the more inadequate. There is just no way to be good enough, not good enough to be what Crichton wants you to be. But he believed it, Velorek did too, said with such conviction

"_You can be more". _

You don't know why either man said those words. Was it meant as some sort of bizarre encouragement? was it an insult? A kind of torment? Did either of them mean for those words to haunt you as they do? Or had you really just lost your mind.

They are words, only words, and words can not haunt you, words can not hurt you. Words mean what they mean, it doesn't matter why someone said them, it doesn't change what they mean. Sometimes you think Crichton talks round and round in circles just to confuse you and make you feel inferior. Well, you are inferior, you admit it, you know nothing of him, his ways, and you don't want to. Not anymore. You want to be just another soldier. Invisible. Here today gone tomorrow. But you can't shake those words.


	2. Chapter 1 of 27

_**Chapter 1 0f 27**_

_**Forty Three and a Half Solar Days Ago. **_

_**On Moya**_

"Hey!" Crichton bailed you up in the corridor . "Where's Pip?"

"I'm not her mother." You answered him. You had been disappointed, much as you hate yourself for it. When he called out to you, you thought, perhaps, he wanted to talk to you. But no, all he wanted was Chianna. And you don't need much imagination to see what he wanted her for as opposed to you.

"Whats that supposed to mean?" He had asked.

"She is a big girl, she can look after herself." You told him. But something about the look on your face evidently told him more than that.

"You left her on the planet!" He gasped, horrified, as if you just confessed that you just killed Chianna and chopped her body into tiny food cubes and fed them to the crew.

"She did not want to return..." Crichton would not let you finish the sentence, he had decided already you were guilty.

"And you couldn't have waited? She is just a kid, Aeryn." He reprimanded you.

"Why should I wait for her? She is not a prisoner, I'm not her prison guard. This isn't a prison ship anymore, Crichton." You answered back defensively, trying not to raise your voice, because that would only have told Crichton that he had got under your skin. And that was the last thing you wanted. You didn't know why he was so upset. Chianna had found more than one foolish young man to buy her a drink, she was having the time of her life. Perhaps it was jealousy, Crichton didn't want to share Chianna with anyone.

The fact was, if Crichton had let you finish, that he circuit board that you needed, the main reason you had gone to the planet, was not ready yet. Chianna was not ready to return to the ship either. So you had brought back the majority of supplies, thinking this was actually an altruistic thing to do, since no one had eaten in two solar days, and you arranged to go back in three arns for Chianna and the part that you needed for Moya. It seemed futile making two trips, yes. But you enjoyed the peace and quiet returning on your own in the transport pod. And since you only needed to pick up Chianna and one small piece of circuit board, it meant you could go back to the planet in your prowler. Which, you had to admit, you missed flying. Also, the fact the prowler had limited space meant that you would have to tell Chianna that she could not bring back whatever junk she had accumulated down there, and really, after her last shopping expedition, that wasn't such a bad thing. And so what if you took a little bit of joy in depriving Chianna of her shopping experience? That didn't make you a bad person, did it? So, really everything was perfect for everyone, until Crichton had to do what he always does and insinuate himself into every situation.

"You left a defenceless girl on a strange planet!?" He still would not let it go.

"I didn't leave her, she chose to stay, and Chianna is hardly defenceless!" You had told him. It angered you that it was so easy for him to draw you into an argument. Why even bother defending yourself? Just tell him what he already believes, you left Chianna stranded because you are a big bad peacekeeper and you don't care about anyone but yourself.

"And that's it?" Crichton asked "That's why you agreed to take her, isn't it? You were planning this! You even said it to me, if you could throw Rygel and Chianna off the ship you would!"

That, for some reason, felt like he had physically punched you and taken all your breath. Even though, as usual, Crichton was right. You HAD said that. For a moment you were so stunned, by this implication that you would deliberately and with malice aforethought, leave Chianna behind. But why were you so surprised? You HAD said it. And it was true, you would function more efficiently as a crew if Rygel and Chianna would stop acting so selfish and recklessly. And you probably wouldn't shed too many tears if either one decided to leave. But what did Crichton think? That you dragged Chianna kicking and screaming and then what? Flew back to Moya as fast as you could to starbusrt away and leave the spoilt little Nebari runaway behind forever? As Crichton would say-_ seriously?_

Crichton must have seen something on your face, one of those frelling human emotions he was always going on about. Because his face softened , no longer was he attacking you, demanding answers, no longer did you feel like explaining that you had just wanted to return the food supplies to Moya as soon as possible, that Chianna wasn't ready, she was having too much fun, and you told her you would go back and pick her up when you picked up the last of the mechanical parts, and settled the bill.

"There's just one thing wrong with your assumption, Crichton. If I was going to dump someone on a planet and starburst away, it wouldn't be Chianna!" You told him, hoping that he picked up the subtle hint that it would be HIM you would leave behind in a cloud of dust.

D'Argo had then come speedily towards them, interrupting the tense conversation.. "This is only half the circuit board I need." D'Argo demanded urgently.

"I know!" You snapped at him, sick of everyone accusing you of messing up. "The mechanic isn't finished with the second part, which is why I'm going back to the planet to get it and pick Chianna up." You snapped at him, though he did not deserve it.

"Oh, well, good." D'Argo said, noticing the tension, and quickly headed away, calling out "Let me know when the part arrives," over his shoulder.

"Aeryn, wait." Crichton called out to you as you walked away. "Im sorry." He grabbed your arm trying to turn you towards him, but you pulled away angrily.

"What for?" You had asked, in genuine confusion, but in a harsh tone.

"I'm sorry I accused you of trying to get rid of Chianna. It's been a long day, a long two days. Everyone is hungry, and tired."

Always an excuse, that's one thing you notice about Crichton. His flaws are excusable. Other people's are not. "Don't be sorry." You let him off the hook. "I stand by my words. Neither Rygel or Chianna earn their keep and this ship would function more efficiently without them. If I were captain of this crew they would fall into line or get out."

"Perhaps." Crichton conceded , "They may not be my first choice either. But we are all stuck with each other. And that is a different thing all together from deliberately forcing them off the ship and leaving them stranded."

"Is it?" You asked. "I don't know. You and all your your human distinctions about right and wrong. Crichton is always right. Chianna is always right, even though she causes disaster at ever turn. But me? I'm still just a peacekeeper in your eyes. Heartless, cruel, that I'd think nothing of abandoning Chianna? You know what, Crichton, once upon a time you would have been right. I was a soldier, and had I a member of my crew who recklessly endangered every other life form aboard this ship, including the ship itself, then yes that person would be gone by any means necessary. I don't think that's wrong. That's who I am, and it's always been good enough until you came along." You had said to him.

"Good enough for what?" He wanted to know.

You only shrugged. "You tell me. _'You can be more Aeryn, you can be better._' No, John. This is me, this is who I am. Yes, I have to go back to the planet to pick up the circuit board. And yes if Chianna can tear herself away from her many admirers I will bring her back too. But I did not strand her there. I did not force her to come, I did not even WANT her to come. That was YOUR idea. You and all your dren about 'bonding'. Chianna and I have nothing in common. We don't enjoy each others company. End of story."

"We all are stranded here, Aeryn. No one planned on this. God knows how long we will be here. We have to find ways to get along." He had said.

"Chianna and I get along just fine. I don't like her. She doesn't like me. We don't have a problem with that, You do. I'm not her mother, if she tells me she doesn't want to come back to Moya with me, what do you want me to do? Take her a gun point?" You had challenged him.

"I'm sorry, I did't mean to accuse you of deliberately abandoning her there, just you once said.."

"Oh yes, John, you meant it." It felt oh so fitting for you to call him John here. "And yes I know what I once said. And if Chianna tells me she wants to stay on that frelling planet forever It wont break my heart. But I would not deliberately harm her or abandon her.

"I know that." His voice softened, as he tried, like he always did, to pull you into his web. "You know you and Chianna aren't so different. You told me once, how we were all trying to get home, all but you. And you were right. But Chianna is like you in that respect. She can't go back to her home either. Maybe you have more in common than you realise."

Having no answer for that, you ended the conversation abruptly. "I have to get back to the planet. Wouldn't want to leave poor little defenceless Chianna stranded now, would I?" You told him bitterly.

And those had been the last words you spoke to Crichton for 43 and a half days.


	3. Chapter 2 of 27

_**Chapter 2 of 27**_

_**Present Day **_

_**(43 Days later) **_

You lie extremely still, careful not to move a muscle, to keep your breathing regular, as you try to feign un-consciousness. Your memory is fuzzy but you are aware that something has happened. You know you are back on Moya, in the infirmary, and from the voices around you it's clear you are not alone. You can feel all sorts of wires and things that Zaahn has attached to your body, your head. You hear the muffled sounds of their conversation somewhat distantly. You can't tell if Zaahn knows you're awake , if one of those wires or cables reaches deep inside your brain and tells everyone just what you are thinking. You keep your eyes closed, partly to maintain the illusion, partly because, in all honestly, brave 'fight to the death' soldier that you are, you're not all together certain you CAN move, and the last thing you want is to try make a run for it and end up collapsing in Crichton's arms.

Perhaps that's not the very last thing you might want.

It's not his arms you object to. You wouldn't admit it to anyone, but you felt good inside his arms, you felt safe. But one thing you know about Crichton is that he isn't going to just let this go. If he got hold of you there would be endless amounts of "Talking". Always with the talking. Inevitably leading you to say something to him that causes his eyes to look back at you so much disappointment. Or for him to make some casual remark that cuts right through you, as if he knifed you, and yet he doesn't even realise. And anyway, what kind of explanation could you possibly give him as to the last forty three solar days? So you lie there, trying to be still, and keep your eyes, and your mouth, closed.

Perhaps you are fooling no one, they all know you just don't want to answer them, to talk to them, any of them. That you are trying very hard to will yourself away to someplace...anywhere but here. Stuck here, back on Moya, the one place you promised yourself you would never be again. You feel like every bone in your body is broken, and you are certain some of them are. The physical pain isn't what makes you want to disappear, though. It's the thought of the pathetic picture you make, lying there in the infirmary, the crew of Moya all standing around looking at you, Zaahn poking and prodding, all of them talking about you as if you weren't even there. It's degrading and humiliating, and no way for a soldier to die.

Suddenly you can feel Zaahn pressing her face up against you, and more than that you can feel, in your mind, Zaahn is trying to touch you, to forge some sort of connection for some purpose. But you fight it, instinctively. Because it is an invasion. An invasion of your very soul. No matter how little value your soul may have, its all you have, and she can not have it. You have little physical strength and possibly less inclination to act, to do something, anything. But you are not about to let your mind be taken over by Delvian witchery. What little Zaahn knew already lead her to judge you as heartless and ignorant. Couldn't blame her, not when they had actual video evidence of the cruelty you had inflicted. And really, that was just a day in the life of Officer Aeryn Sun. What they were all so outraged and horrified about was the tip of the iceberg when it came to peacekeeper duty.

Perhaps you should give in and let Zaahn stumble blindly into the darkness of your mind? You wonder just what would happen if you suddenly stopped fighting her and she fell right in. What would she see? What would happen to her? It is a curiosity for certain, and you push that idea aside for a time when you are really desperate. If anything she might be so horror struck at the experience of 'unity' with you that you may have a chance to make your escape. But Zaahn is not alone, and now is not the time.

You can hear voices, not just Crichton and Zaahn, but D'Argo too, and Pilot over the Coms. You don't hear Rygel, this is not surprising, but you don't hear Chianna either. This does surprise you, though it shouldn't. She had promised you that she would not bring you back here. So perhaps she is afraid of what you will do to her. She also promised she wouldn't leave you. So perhaps she is just a person who doesn't keep her promises. You almost smile at that thought...promises...? What had you ever known about promises? And of all the crew on board Moya why expect an intact promise from the runaway Nebari girl? Why did you deserve any loyalty from Chianna, from anyone, you had shown no loyalty to your own people?

Your mind isn't quite that hardened though, not yet, or perhaps not now. You had seen the fear in Chianna's eyes, she did little to hide it. And you can imagine that once you lost consciousness there was nothing anchoring Chianna to her promise, to you. There was nothing left to distract her from her fear, and really, where else was she to go for help? Still, there is that feeling again. When you realise Chianna has broken not one but both of her promises, that feeling like being stabbed, like you couldn't breathe. Pathetic as it was, you believed Chianna when she said she wouldn't leave you. The fact that you believed it, and even sought comfort in it only testifies to your impaired state of mind. After all, you had hit your head, once or twice, along the way. Maybe that's why you believed Chianna when she said everything would be ok. You could overlook the fact she had brought you back here. You lost consciousness and left her alone, and she went running to Crichton like she always does when she is in trouble. You told Chianna all along that she should go back to Moya. But you had been very clear you did not want to go with her. Maybe she had just been waiting for you to lose consciousness so she go running back to Crichton and drag you back here. Maybe Chianna even drugged you. Come to think if it, that last water she had found DID taste strange. And you had certainly endured worse injuries without losing consciousness. Wonderful. On top of all the other frelling dren happening, a grey faced nebari runaway brat was trying to kill you. Or Kidnap you. Maybe she and Crichton were in it together all along. …...

Before you get too carried away, Zaahn voice cuts through your thoughts.

"It's not working." Zaahn admits defeat, as she steps back. Only once you can no longer feel her skin against your own do you miss the touch of someone against you. It had felt uncomfortable at first, Zaahn pressing against you, but you had grown used to the warmth of someone's skin next to your own. The comfort of someone being so close you can hear them breathe.

"What do you mean it's not working?" You hear Crichton demand. "You said you can take people's pain away. I've seen you do it, with dozens of different species, with Moya, a ship, a bio mechaniod ship, and you can't help Aeryn, that's what you're saying?" Crichton yells, as if he is accusing Zaahn of deliberately not trying to reach you.

You almost want to open your eyes and smack him. Tell him that he doesn't have to know every thing about every one all the time. What gives him the right? You want to put that human in his place, tell him Zaaahn did everything she could, but that you do not want Zaahn, or Crichton, or anyone, invading your mind, thank you all the same. So Crichton should shut up and go away. Oh its tempting, but lying here playing dead is so much easier, for now.

"I can share the pain, I can not take it away, and only if the being will allow it." Zaahn explains calmly, ignoring the insinuation in John's voice.

"The being?" Crichton mocks, in that voice, that crazy out of control voice. The voice that scares you because it's one of the first signs that Crichton has been pushed to his limits. Such a little brain capacity as a human has, it should not be surprising that he loses his mind now and then. Hallucinates Scorpious talking to him, or whatever else goes in in that human brain. Still, it was disturbing to see a man crumble to pieces, definitely something you rather not see in him. "You're talking about Aeryn. Not some "being"! She is injured, just do your mind thingy, you can make her better!" Crichton orders, as if his orders alone can magically cause Zaahn to cure you, just because he ordered it. It's funny, because it hadn't offended you in the least being called a "being", wasn't Cricton himself a human "being" ? But Crichton seems to have taken offence on your behalf. Or perhaps it was the opposite. Perhaps you are not even worthy of 'being' anymore.

"I can possibly share her pain, I can not magically cure her." Zaahn points out.

"Are you even trying?" Crichton asks. You can't see his face, you can't see anything, but you can picture it. Down to the way his eyes narrow in accusation.

That's when you hear the slight whirr of Rygel's throne announcing his approach. "Keep the noise down, some of us are trying to sleep you know!" Rygel orders.

You do not open your eyes, you do not have to. Putting together the voices, the sounds, you can hear it all perfectly unfold something like this. John throwing some object at Rygel, taking his frustrations out on Rygel, who as far as you can tell has done nothing to deserve it. Rygel screaming for his life. D'Argo breaking up the argument, silencing everyone with his booming voice. The oddness of the Luxon warrior bring calm to the others.

"Quiet!" D'Argo ordered. And they all fell silent at his command. "Zaahn, you have been doing great so far." Dargo tells her, encouraging her. "Just keep working on it."

You think of D'Argo, of who he is, who he was. A Luxon, a warrior, and enemy. And enemy though he was, you had respect for him, his warrior code of honour, and he for yours. Somehow you had earned each others respect. He, perhaps more so than any other on Moya, understood what it meant to be a warrior, a soldier. The price you paid. And yet here he is, fearsome Luxon warrior, breaking up petty squabbles between the human and his royal eminence, and playing nurse maid to Zaahn. He had changed. Crichton changed him. Crichton changed all of them. It was not right.

"Aeryn has been unconscious for twenty arns, she's not getting any better!" Crichton has lowered his voice but the anger is still very much present. There is passion in his words, passion you don't want to hear, or understand.

Twenty arns, you take hold of that information. Though you had been aware of your surroundings for some time, it had been an arn, at most, since you woke here in the infirmary. That left 19 arns unaccounted for. 19 arns since you closed your eyes, listening to Chianna promise you that everything would be ok, that she wouldn't leave you, that she wouldn't take you back to Moya. Finally, you grew weary, finally, you believed her. With the last bit of strength you reached for Chianna, grabbing her by the shoulder. "Promise me, whatever else happens, Promise me you won't tell any of this to Crichton." She promised. You closed your eyes. And 19 arns later, you woke up here. You feel invaded, all that unaccounted time, what had they been doing with you? And what had Chianna been saying?

"She is no worse." Zaahn tells them all. "That's all I can do for now, I'm giving her nutrients, I've dressed her wounds, I've used a serum with partial DNA from pilot to help stabilise her. I've healed most of the fractures, I can't heal her rib fractures until her blood pressure and respiratory function stabilises. In any case, I'm not sure I should heal them all straight away, perhaps the pain will be the thing that causes her to wake up."

"So you can't wake her up, you can't share her pain, and you want to leave her in agony with multiple fractured ribs, because that might make her wake up? That's what you're going with, Zaahn? That's your story?" Crichton asks.

"I can not reach her, John. That Is the truth." Zaahn maintains.

"Maybe you don't want to reach her, maybe you want her to suffer, maybe you're just not trying hard enough?" Crichton comes right out and says it.

"I have no reason to wish to see Aeryn come to harm." Zaahn bites back, a hint of defensiveness in her tone. "We are all exhausted, we are all doing out best. It's as if she wont let me connect with her. As if she is blocking me somehow." Zaahn tells him. "I can not connect to her, and yes I think healing the fractures at this stage would actually compromise her respiratory function, as well as the fact that yes pain might cause her to wake up. My knowledge of peacekeepers is limited, but I understand that pain can bring someone out of an unconscious state, some kind of built in battle defence, the greater their wounds, the more adrenalin released which brings about heightened strength."

"I too have seen this happen to peacekeepers in battle." D'Argo interjects just a microt before Crichton really loses it.

"She is not a peacekeeper!" John shouts so loudly that you flinch even though you are trying to make a pretence of being unconscious. He doesn't notice though, he is busy yelling at Zaahn.

"She WAS a peacekeeper, John." Zaahn tells him. "She has undergone peacekeeper training her entire life, indoctrination, education, medical treatments, vaccinations, genetic modifications, all peacekeeper. It's possible that she has some sort of mind block preventing me from reaching her, some sort of defence mechanism."

"But you never encountered this with any other peace keeper you healed?" Crichton asks dubiously.

"I've never tried to share pain with a peacekeeper. I've never had reason to." Zaahn tells him the simple truth. Fact is , Peacekeepers and Delvians were natural enemies, Zaahn was aboard a peacekeeper prison ship, why should she have had any inclination to help a peacekeeper before? And why should this be so shocking to Crichton?

"So you don't know thats why it's not working? Maybe it's not working because you don't want it to?" John keeps digging away at Zaahn as if that will somehow get him what he wants.

"Maybe, John, it's not working because Aeryn doesn't want it to." is Zaahns quite clever come back, deflecting the attention from herself right back to you.


	4. Chapter 3 of 27

_**Chapter 3 of 27**_

"Do you mean, Aeryn is intentionally blocking you?" John asks.

"Of course she is!" Rygel pipes up, "Who would want the blue witch lady controlling their mind? Perhaps if you leave Aeryn alone she will get some rest. Who could recover with you lot shouting and arguing?"

It's selfish, you know it, that Rygel wants them all to leave you alone and shut up. He wants to move on, the next planet, next chance to profit, it doesn't serve his interests that everyone is hanging around the infirmary focused on you. But still, he is the only one who seems to get it. That all you want, need, is to be left alone. You don't need Zaahn and her Delvian mind tricks, of John and his …..whatever he was doing. You don't even need D'Argo sitting by your side, in the silent way he does, which in the past has been oddly comforting. You just want all of them to stop and leave you alone.

"No one asked you, Sparky, shut the hell up or Aeryn won't be the only one in a coma!" Crichton threatens. Again taking his anger out on Rygel, who still has done nothing that you are aware of to warrant the attack.

"Is she doing it intentionally, Zaahn?" Crichton repeats, almost hopefully. As if he hopes you are doing it on purpose, because why? Because it is a sign that you're still in there, because he thinks he can reach you?

"Possibly, and possibly not. I don't know what kind of peacekeeper conditioning could have put up blocks in her mind, that Aeryn may not be aware or. Or possibly she is doing it on purpose. I'm not a diagnosan, Crichton, and I'm sorry but I do not have experience tending to injured peacekeepers!" Zaahn last words are bitter and angry. That isn't a good sign. Zaahn, the calm peaceful one. It's not lost on you that Zaahn has called you a being and a peace keeper in this conversation. It's not lost on Crichton- Either.

"She is not a peacekeeper anymore, she is Aeryn! She isn't a being, she isn't a peacekeeper, she is just Aeryn. Can we stop calling her that. She has a name!" Crichton yells at all of them.

He takes such great offence at you being called a peacekeeper. As if it is the most horrible dark dirty thing you could possibly be. And you see the way he thinks of Crais, the way he looks at him, speaks to him, speaks about him. That's what he thinks of peacekeepers. That's what he thinks of you- because as much as Crichton wants to deny it- You are a peace keeper. Zaahn was right, that is what you were, and what you were can not be all that different to what you are. If he has such a problem with peacekeepers then why waste so much time on you? Does he actually care? Or is it a sort of twisted kind of torture and torment that human beings used on people they despised?

You can picture Zaahn , her composed slight nod of the head, conceding to Crichton he was right- even though he was not. "I shall rephrase. I am not an expert on Sebacian physiology. And I have done all I can for Aeryn at this juncture. I have no reason to want Aeryn to come to harm. Why would I be here if I didn't want to help her? Why would I sit here by her bedside for the last 20 arns, right along with you, trying every single possible thing I can think of? I have done my best. And John, the fact is, she was a peacekeeper, and that could affect her ability to let me reach her, as well as her reaction to being wounded, to healing, For all we know this is a perfectly normal way peace keepers heal themselves, I don't know. But I know I have done all I can for her, and the rest is up to Aeryn, and in the hands of the goddess."

You can picture the look on John and D'Argo's faces, at the mention of the goddess. They didn't believe in the goddess, neither did you. Still, if it was a choice between counting on a non existent goddess and counting on you, well you're not sure which one they should pick.

You wondered how exactly Zaaahn could share a person's pain? Could she tell where the pain was? How much it hurt? Could she tell the difference between the physical agony of every breath grating against the multiple fractured ribs, the shattering headache, the ever present aching across your chest, your back, your stomach, where you had been kicked and punched, and the other kind of pain. The kind of pain you had never really known until Crichton came into her life. Not a physical pain, but still a pain that takes her breath away, a pain deep inside your darkest places that makes you want to die. Can Zaahn feel that? Can she tell where it comes from? Would it crush her to feel it? Poor fragile Zaahn, maybe she couldn't handle the pain of a battle hardened soldier, maybe she couldn't handle this other pain either. This pain you have no name for. It's crushing you though, you can feel it crushing you, and you don't want to infect anyone else with it.

You can hear sounds, shuffling of feet. You can smell Crichton closer and closer. He picks up your hand. He leans in close, slowly, you can feel his breath against your skin. You try not to move, not to react, perhaps he wont notice your heart skipped a few beats and your breath has become ragged and uneasy. "Aeryn? Can you hear me?" He asks softly.

It's almost enough to get you too, almost. It's not easy to resist him, much as you tell yourself you despise him and he despises you. It's not as easy as resisting Zaahn. His hand envelops yours, so warmly and tightly, and his face is so close to your own he is almost touching you, not quite, not like Zaahn who had pressed her face so close to your own that you feel certain your face has turned blue. He doesn't press against you, and yet his touch is all the more electrifying because of it, because he doesn't touch at all. But you can feel him.

Some microts go by. You don't move. You try to just breathe, just be still. But in spite of being a cold hearted ruthless soldier, his touch gets to you, the way your name rolls off his tongue gets to you. This isn't just paranoia, it is verified, scientifically, by Zaahns proclamation "Keep talking to her John, her heart rate just increased. I believe she can hear you."

All of a sudden Crichton has released your hand, for a microt you feel cold, alone, abandoned. But before you know it, Crichton is leaning over you, and tightly has hold of both your wrists, his grasp becomes tighter still, painful, and that feels good. It's the first time in a long time something felt good, and it's him. Not him holding your hand, stroking your hair, or who knows what he had been doing while you were unconscious for 19 arns. But when he grabs you like that, when he clutches you so tightly you are certain he will break your bones, when he shouts at you, when he shakes you so violently that wires and cables and whatever else Zaahn has attached to you fall to the ground, that feels better. And just lying there, taking it, not fighting him or challenging him or defending yourself. That feels so right. You hear him, but you don't really listen as he shouts at you "Aeryn I know you can hear me! Stop this frelling nonsense and let Zaahn help you. Whatever you are doing, stop it, stop fighting us, we are trying to help you."

_What will you do if I don't? _You want to ask Crichton. _Kill me?_

John is cut off by D'Argo, wrestling him away from you. Or so you gather by the sounds around you and the fact that suddenly Crichton isn't holding on to you anymore. Literally Crichton is kicking and screaming as D'Argo drags him aside, "Settle down." D'Argo tells him. "That's not helping anything."

"She can hear me, look at the monitor." Crichton protests.

"Her blood pressure is rising fast, and her pulse, I'm not sure that's a good thing." Zaahn says carefully.

"What are you saying?" Crichton challenges her. "This is my fault? I'm making her sicker?"

"There is no blame here, I'm saying Aeryn needs her rest, and it is not good for her to have us fighting and arguing over her. Nor is it a good thing to dislodge the IV cannula." Zaahn says, and you feel a painful sting as she re inserts the needle into your arm. She then reattaches wires to your head, your chest, your arms.

"She can hear me, Zaahn, she can hear me. You are right, she is blocking you, she is doing it on purpose too." Crichton proclaims.

_How does he know that?_ You wonder.

"Why would she do that, Crichton?" Zaahn asks dubiously, and you are relieved that Crichton is the only one who knows you are faking it. The rest of them think he is crazy.

No one speaks, all you can hear is beeping of the monitor, which apparently is your own heart rate, rapid, panicked. Odd though because you cant feel it, not in the way you normally can when in a dangerous situation. Were it not for the beeps on that monitor you might even wonder if you were already dead. Not just half dead semi conscious.

" Zaahn said there isn't anything more to do right now, just wait. I will sit with Aerny for a while, we can take turns?" D'Argo suggests.

"Good Idea." Zaahn agrees, "One of us will stay here at all times, everyone of us needs to rest also, and carry on with our duties."

The calmness emanating from the two of them appears to have affected Crichton, as he has fallen silent. He has fallen a little too silent, a little too _"I have a plan"_ silent. But there is little you can do at this juncture.

"Fine, Goodnight, and a little more peace and quiet if you don't mind. Leave Aeryn alone, she will be fine when she has rested, Zaahn is right all this arguing and fighting is making her worse. I'd be willing to bet a significant amount of currency that if you all left her alone for half an arn her vital signs would return to normal. Can you people not take a hint? She does not want your help. Leave her alone. And if anyone cares to wager that bet with me, you know where to find me. Limited time offer." Rygel says his parting words followed by the whirring sound of his throne sliding off to his quarters.

On the surface he always appears so self serving, but how did he know that all you wanted was some peace away from them? Did he know? Or was he saying it for his own purpose? So Rygel knows you want everyone to leave you alone, but no one else believes him, Crichton knows you are purposefully blocking Zaahn's attempts of "whatever Delvian thing she is trying". No one believes him.

Everyone knows a tiny part of the truth, perhaps, but not one of them knows all of it.


	5. Chapter 4 of 27

_Thanks for your patience :) Just waiting for my beta reader to go over the rest of the chapters, Hopefully they will all be up by next week. Thank you to all for your continual support. _

_**Chapter 4 of 27**_

"I'm not leaving." Crichton protests softly to D'Argo, a whisper, as if he doesn't want you to hear him. As if he is trying to trick you into opening your eyes. As if he thinks you are just playing him, and if he leaves you will stop messing around.

"John you're exhausted, and if you don't mind me saying, a little crazy." D'Argo breaks it to his friend. "Screaming at Zaahn and Aerny isn't going to help. You should pull yourself together before Aeryn wakes up. And be prepared for anything. We don't really know what happened. It's possible all of us may be in more trouble than we realise. We don't know how long until Aeryn is able to tell us what is going on. We need to think about the rest of us. We can't hide in this asteroid shadow forever. Sooner or later someone is going to find us. And it's very possible we have enemies here we don't even know about." D'Argo points out.

"In that case, we should starburst away. We have Aeryn and Chianna back, no need to hang around here." Crichton answers quickly.

"At least we are invisible here for the moment. If we starburst it will draw attention." D'Argo replies.

"It's not like they can follow us." Crichton says. "We don't even know if anyone is out there, who they are. Chianna wasn't terribly forthright."

"She told you there was an accident, and that she didn't remember anything else." D'Argo said.

So, you think to yourself, Chianna kept that promise and hadn't ratted you out entirely. Still "_It was a accident"_ and "_I don't remember." _were not very creative. Probably the only reason they had let her off with that for so long was because they were all hovered around your bed side waiting for you to die.

"Zaahn said it was no accident. Zaahn said someone, or multiple someones, beat Aeryn within an inch of her life. Kicked her, punched her, stabbed her."

"So what, you accuse Chianna of lying?" D'Argo asks. "Zaahn also said the injuries were recent. It doesn't explain why they were missing for 43 solar days."

"Exactly my point. Chianna is hiding something, you must see that." Crichton perseveres.

D'Argo swiftly changes the subject "Anyway, we are close to several commerce planets. They have food, supplies, medical equipment, we might need something to help Aeryn. But if we starbusrt away into the middle of nowhere we have nothing." D'Argo 's point is the logical one, yet it's the one Crichton picks on.

There is a silence, you can almost hear the ticking of Crichton's brain. Something was on his mind.

"Interesting." He finally mumbles.

"What is interesting?" D'Argo asks in frustration. He shouldn't have asked. '_Opening a can of worms'_ as Crichton would say.

"Interesting that you want to stay put here. You said yourself that there is potential danger here we may not know about. We have already loaded up enough supplies to last us a lifetime, there isn't any room to move in the cargo bay. It's not like we will never find another planet again. Why do you really want to stay here?" Crichton's voice has taken on that slightly paranoid tone.

It was harder than you would have thought, lying there, trying to ignore them, but not being able to. Barely even understanding what they are talking about.

"Chianna has said something to you." Crichton accuses, in this victorious tone as if he has figured out some great and important mystery.

It must have been something in D'Argo's face, something you could not see. Because you don't know where Crichton got that from.

"What are you talking about? You're bring ridiculous." Now you get it. Even from your blind viewpoint you can tell, D'Argo does not feign ignorance well. Even you can tell he is lying. That makes your chest tighten, what had Chianna said to him? Damn. You should have been more specific, instead of saying _'Don't tell Crichton anything about what happened'_ You should have just said '_Don't tell anyone_.'. What the frell has Chianna gone and told D'Argo? Chianna tells him, he tells Crichton...Really should have been more careful with your last words.

"I don't know what I'm talking about, you tell me. Chianna said something to you, when you went back to the planet to get supplies." Crichton frames it as an accusation. As if having a conversation with Chianna was some kind of crime.

"Chianna never said a word. Literally she did not speak the entire eight arns we were gone. Whatever happened has shaken her up too, John, Just what are you accusing Chianna of? Lying? Hurting Aeryn?"

"I don't know." Crichton tells him. "Don't you find that odd to start with? Chianna never shuts up! And yet she doesn't say a word to you for eight arns. Serioulsy? First Aeryn and Chianna disappear. They hate each other, it's not like they just ran off together for a holiday."

"Maybe Chianna wanted to shop, you know Chianna. Maybe they got caught up in some kind of trouble, I don't know."

"I know Aeryn, she would rather set herself on fire than spend 43 days shopping with Chianna. And neither of them even contacted us. Not one word to say '_Hey we're alive don't worry about us.'_. They both knew we all would have been frantic. And neither of them bothered to call home."

"Chianna explained that, she said the coms weren't working." D'Argo defends her.

"Oh, come on! Even if that was true, they had the prowler, they could have just come back." John counters.

"Maybe the prowler was broken down? After all, we still don't know where the prowler is." D'Argo puts forth. That makes you pause too, just where had you left the prowler? Even you don't really remember.

"And it took forty three days to fix it? Trust me, IF the prowler broke down, big IF, and IF Aeryn couldn't fix it in under forty three days, she would have taken someone else's ship." He proclaims. And much as you hate to admit it, he was spot on.

"Neither Aeryn nor Chianna need permission from you or I to leave. This isn't a prison ship."

Funny, those were the exact words you said to Crichton last time you saw him. And damn straight, you didn't need anyone's permission.

"Aeryn came back alone first." Crichton muses.

"I know, I had the misfortune of stumbling into your argument in the corridor."

"Then she went back to get Chianna, and they both just disappeared." Crichton continues as if he is talking to himself.

"I don't know what you want me to tell you." D'Argo says, struggling to find the point.

"You can't tell me. I'm going to take another crack at Chianna."

"Leave her. She won't talk. I tried. If I cant you can't. What do you really think it will achieve? Does it really matter what happened before we found them? We can't change it. Nothing Chianna says will change any of it, it won't make Aeryn any better."

"Maybe not. But then why won't Chianna talk? If there is some innocent innocuous explanation, why wont she explain it?"

"Maybe she really does not remember, John." D'Argo suggests.

And damn, how you wish she didn't remember, you wish you didn't remember.

"No. She is hiding something. When I asked her about it, the look in her eyes, the way the color drained from her face." Crichton accuses.

"Her face is always grey, she is Nebari, how can the color drain from her face?" D'Argo asks the sensible question, and it almost makes you smile.

"She is hiding something." Crichton maintains.

"Perhaps, but I don't think it will help Aeryn. If Chianna wants to tell you, she will. Trying to force it out of her will only make her retreat further away." D'Argo advises.

That is quite wise, you concede, for a Luxon. Or perhaps you think it wise merely because he is on your side, and wants to leave Chianna alone. Chianna has nothing to do with any of this, and Crichton should leave her alone. Whether Chianna betrayed you or not, and you still don't know one way or the other, none of this is her fault, not really, and nothing she says or does not say will change any of it.

"You know something, don't you? " Crichton presses D'Argo again.

"I don't know anything helpful." D'Argo rephrases.

"But you know something." Crichton won't let it go.

"Only that Aeryn made her promise to say nothing, and Chianna isn't going to budge from that, believe me."

"That's just not acceptable." Crichton states. So damn unacceptable that he doesn't know everything about everyone else's business.

"Chianna also said we should stay put. Not to starburst, or leave" D'Argo adds. "And that is the entirety of what she said to me."

"Chianna said we shouldn't leave, or Aeryn said?" Crichton asks, as if that makes a difference.

D'Argo shrugs "I don't know."

You want to interrupt to explain the YOU most definitely did not want to stay HERE, that you should starburst away as quickly as possible and never look back. Chianna must have made that part up for herself, for whatever reason, you really can't imagine. Or maybe D'Argo mis spoke. Under no circumstances did you want to be around this part of the galaxy any longer than necesscary.

There is silence, and then you sense Crichton moving towards you.

"Can you hear me, Aeryn? Zaahn says you can hear me." He says calmly. It's his slightly delusional crazy obsessive voice the one that lets you know he is out of control. Even though he is careful to keep his voice even and quiet. " I don't know what is going on. I promised you I will get to the bottom of this. I will find who did this to you and I promise I won't let anything happen to you again." He is so sincere, as if he means it with all his heart. But it is so foolish. No one person can promise that nothing bad will happen to another person. Crichton couldn't protect you from everything, nor did you ask him to, nor did you even want him to. You didn't need him to take care of you. Is that how he saw you? Some pathetic girl that needed taking care of?

John continues, taking your hand in his. How you hated it that he felt he could touch you without your permission and you couldn't even tell him to stop. "I need to know what happened. I need to know who did this to you? Why you and Chianna took off like that? What happened to the prowler? You didn't want us to find you, Aeryn. That much I know, because it was a complete accident that we did. Were you planning on coming back? What were you doing, what were you thinking? Why did you take Chianna with you? Why did you say nothing? Why did you swear Chianna to secrecy and what the hell did you hold over her to make her keep to that promise even when you're half dead? D'Argo is right, She is terrified. She won't even tell him what's going on. And face it, discretion isn't really her thing. I Mean D'Argo is also right, no one is a prisoner. If you and Chianna wanted to leave you could have said goodbye, at the very least. Still, you are both here now, that's what matters. Do you have any idea what it was like for us? When you both disappeared? You had to know we would be worried. Did that not bother you at all?" He asks.

It bothered you, of course. You hadn't intended any of this. And despite what Crichton thinks, you never intended Chianna to get caught up in any of this. But you did use her, and manipulate her. You knew she wouldn't leave you. You don't know WHY. You gave her no reason to have the slightest bit of loyalty to you. But you knew she wouldn't leave you, and you knew it wasn't fair using her guilt over her, making her promise not to call the others, not to call Crichton. And, now you stop to think about it, she must have felt exceptionally guilty to have gone along with any of this. And that wasn't fair. And yeah, it bothered you that Crichton, D'Argo, Zaahn, Pilot, even Rygel would have worried. It didn't occur to you at the time, it really did not. You figured once you and Chi didn't return, they would just go on, they would move on, they would have to. Life goes on. You realise only now, listening to Crichton at your bed side, that it was never going to happen . He would have searched until the end of time and place to find the both of you. None of this was meant to happen. If you had planned it, thought it out, you would have faked your death, or something similar, so the rest of them would move on and leave you behind. But you didn't have that luxury of time and foresight for planning such an event.

"Aeryn?" Crichton asks, as if he is actually expecting you to answer, "If you can not, or as I suspect WILL NOT, answer me, I will find out from Chianna. I have a responsibility, to everyone on board. If there is any danger, I need to know about it. You can not just take off like that without a word, and come back so hurt, and expect that no one will ask any questions of you. So, last chance? No? Ok."

"Leave Chianna alone." D'Argo orders him one last time. "She is freaked out by whatever happened, but if there was something you needed to know, Chianna would have told you. If she knew anything to help Aeryn, she would have said so. Leave her, and she will talk when she is ready, you are making it worse trying to force it out of her."

But, of course, Crichton being Crichton will not accept that. And it's not a great surprise to hear him trying to summon Chianna on the coms.

"Chianna!" You hear him yell out. " I know you can here me, Pip. Get down to the infirmary NOW." His voice booms.

You almost feel sorry for him, poor boy, no one listens to him, no one talks to him. No one pays any attention. But why is everything his business? What gives him the right to ask anything of you? Of Chianna? Chianna has plenty of her own reasons for not wanting anyone to know the things that transpired.

"Pilot, where is Chianna?" Crichton asks after receiving no reply from her.

Time is running out. This you know. Good for Chianna that she had kept her mouth shut, but you know she cant keep it up, not once Crichton gets her. So, now or never, Aeryn. Make a choice.

His back is to you, as he talks into the coms, waiting for Pilot to answer him. But he still has hold of your hand. And he nearly jumps out of his skin when you wriggle your hand free and reach out to grab his arm.

"Aeryn?" He gasps as he spins around, forgetting all about Chianna. Something about the emotion in his face makes you feel guilty for no reason what so ever. As if you personally had hurt him deeply. His eyes, worse than you imagined. So much disappointment, confusion, agony. Did you do that to him?

You move the mask from your face, whatever Zaahn had you breathing, oxygen and something else that doesn't taste quite right.

"John." You call him in a weak raspy voice. You wanted to sound weak, injured, but truthfully you didn't have to try. It cost all your breath just to call his name. But you did call to him, by his first name. And THAT should have been his first clue, if he were he paying the slightest bit of attention to you. That you called him John.

His second clue should have been the sweet smile you gave him a he placed the mask back over your face and whispered "Shhh. It's ok, everything ok, don't talk, save your breath. It's ok, I'm here and everything's ok."

Had you the energy you would have stood up and faced him, telling him he is such a liar, because not half a microt ago he was begging you to tell him everything, trying to pressure Chianna into talking, and now he is all _"Shhh don't talk." _What the frell is that all about?

He calls to D'Argo excitedly to go get Zaahn, and that's when you have him, alone, and totally off guard. There are tears in his eyes, actual tears, welling in his eyes, running down his face. And that stabs you like a knife. You do feel bad that you have hurt him. It's as if he is unhappy that you are awake, as if he was happier when you were unconscious. But you have done it now, no going back. And you feel even worse knowing what you are about to do. But, fact- you have lost control totally of this situation, of Chianna, of Crichton, of everything. You need it back.

Crichton is so busy staring into your eyes, intoxicated, that he does not notice as your free hand slides down his side, grasping at his pulse pistol. He doesn't not even notice as you not-so-smoothly remove it from him and hold it firmly in your grasp. Since when did he take to arming himself unless the situation warranted it, anyway? Lucky for you, he somehow felt the need.

There were mere microts to get away, this you know. Dargo and Zaahn would be back, and you would be outnumbered. Pulse pistol or no pulse pistol, you can barely move, and there is no way you could take on all of them. But just him, with the element of surprise, and with those tears in his eyes, maybe...just maybe.

What you had not been counting on is Chianna, arriving at the precise moment. It irritates you she had come running when Crichton called her. She was the one person you actually expected at your side, more than that you wanted her to be with you. She promised she would be. But in the end, Chianna, like everyone, was out for herself. It should come as no surprise. You could have lay here bleeding to death and she wouldn't have cared. But Crichton calls her and she comes running. And at such a frelling inconvenient time.

Chianna spies the pistol in your hand straight away, she catches your gaze, and she, unlike Crichton, sees something dark and insidious inside your eyes. That was the downside of spending the last 43 days with Chianna, of going through the things you had both been through together, there was no fooling her anymore, no hiding anything, she had come to know you well, too well for your comfort. And it all happens so damn quickly from that point.

"What the hell are you doing, Aeryn!?" She demands, in horror, calling Crichton's attention to the fact you had just disarmed him. He steps back involuntarily, a reflex, before trying to reach for the pistol. He says something to you, but you don't hear it. Chianna is yelling too, and even that you block out.

And just one thought is left in your mind. 'Now or Never, Aeryn."


	6. Chapter 5 of 27

_**Chapter 5 **_

_**43 Days Ago **_

_**On an unknown planet :) **_

As you flew away from Moya, as fast as your prowler would take you, which was actually rather fast, you could not stop thinking about Crichton and the things he said. You looked back at Moya, growing smaller in the distance. It wasn't a bad life. It wasn't what you expected of yourself. But after all, you survived, so that was not defeat. That was an honourable goal, the survival of yourself, your ship mates, and you found yourself in more than enough trouble to keep you from boredom. Still, it would never change, the way they looked at you. Not just Crichton. The indelible fact is this- you were a peacekeeper. Moya was a peacekeeper prison ship. Moya herself was a peacekeeper prisoner. The one thing, the only thing, that changed, is that all of a sudden it mattered to you what they thought. What he thought.

As you flew away that last time, you told yourself you were never going back. Never. You would drop Chianna back with the circuit board, and then you would leave. It was decided before you got anywhere near the planet. A snap decision. Not logical, not rational, but very decidedly unquestionable.

When you returned to the bar where you had left Chianna, and found her absent, your heart sank and a heavy feeling came over you. Frell it! Crichton had been right, You shouldn't have left Chianna here. Where was she? What trouble had she gone looking for this time? Then you realise in your haste to leave the ship, you were over two arns early. So, nothing to do but wait, with too many unwanted thoughts swirling around in your head. What's an ex peacekeeper girl to do? You brought a drink, drank it, and enjoyed the feeling of numbness. You brought another, and another. Far more than you usually would. Just enough to numb the bitter sting of the disappointment in Crichton's eyes. By the fourth drink, you started to believe you really could forget him, forget Moya. As a general rule, you never drank to the point of intoxication. You didn't like feeling out of control. A few drinks were fine. But once you started losing control, losing dignity, that was no way for an elite peacekeeper soldier to behave. But alas, no longer are you a peacekeeper. So what would it hurt just one, or two, more drinks. Just to fill in the time.

Finally you spied Chianna entering the bar and you called to her excitedly "Chianna, I've missed you!" You beamed at her. Beamed. Since when did you beam?

Never, apparently, as the look on Chianna's face tells you. "Nice to see you to Aeryn, what have you been drinking, cos I want some!" She laughed.

"I haven't been drinking, just one or two, while I was waiting for you." You pointed your finger at her and giggled. Yes, giggled. Ok, maybe you had one two many.

"Ok." Chianna said doubtfully. "Have you got the circuit board?"

"Circuit board?" You repeated dumbly. "Oh, I forgot that. But at least I didn't forget you, right? Crichton thought I would leave you behind."

"You are seriously off your face aren't you." Chianna stated rather than asked.

"Don't be ridiculous, we will go and get the board circuit board thing right now." You insisted.

"The mechanic would have shut up shop an arn ago." Chianna reminded you.

"Oops. Well, let's not tell the others that, when I take you back, just tell the others it's not ready until tomorrow." You ordered her.

"When you take me back? What does that mean?" She asked. She was smarter and more observant than you ever gave her credit for.

"I mean, when we go back to Moya." You corrected yourself.

"You're not coming back, are you?" She asked. "Aeryn, what's going on?"

"Nothing for you to worry about. You should be happy, you will have Crichton all to yourself." You told her, unable to keep the bitterness out of your voice.

"Uhm, ok. Why would I want that?" She asked dubiously. "And I'm not sure you're in a fit state to fly us home. Since we have to wait for the part anyway let's crash here tonight?" She suggests.

"Are you saying I'm too drunk to fly?" You demanded.

"Well, yeah." She nodded earnestly. .

You can't tell if Chianna is making fun of you or is genuinely scared for her life.

"Well it's ok, I will put the prowler to auto pilot and it won't matter if I'm drunk or not."

"Very reassuring." She added dubiously. "But...Aeryn, do you really want to go back to Moya like this? I mean to say, you are more than a little drunk. Do you really want the others to see you like this?"

"No." You admitted to her. "That's why I will drop you off and I will leave." The idea seemed perfect.

"Well that's just silly. You can't just leave. Just like that. And no offence, no way I'm getting in the prowler with you until you sober up." She demanded quite bravely.

You said nothing to her. You were grateful though, that she stopped you making a fool of yourself in front of the others. It's only when you stood to your feet and the room started spinning that you realised – you were drunker than you thought.

"D'Argo is gonna flip out about the circuit board." Chianna said finally.

"Oh yeah." You acknowledged. One more thing that is your fault, one more thing for someone to blame you for .

Chianna laughed then "Frell, you can't even walk in a straight line!" She observed, seemingly finding this amusing. "It's not like you."

"I am a grown woman, Chianna, I don't need a girl like you telling me what I can and cant do. If I want to have a drink, or ten, I will!"

"Sorry." Chianna said defensively. "Just trying to be helpful."

"Well, stop it." You ordered. Still, Chianna had a point. Why go all the way back to Moya empty handed, D'Argo would be furious, Crichton too probably. And, really, you weren't in any state to be flying, much as you didn't want to admit it.

"Fine." Chianna pouted. "Do as you please."

"You are right. " You conceded. "No point going back to Moya tonight."

"Excellent!" She grinned. "I love this planet!"

You saw it then, the bloody thing Crichton had been banging on about. Something in Chianna that was not all that different to yourself. Something lost, disenfranchised. She had no real reason to protect you, to stop you going back to Moya and making a fool of yourself in front of Crichton. But she did it still.

"Maybe it's best if I let the others know." She said.

"Why?" You demended.

"Well, it's up to you, but seriously, you sound almost as off your face as you actually are."

"You're being ridiculous!" You scolded her, for the third time. But she had a point, and you gave in. "Fine, just tell them the part is delayed, and we will be back tomorrow."

"Sure." She agreed. "I'll call them later. But the night is young."

"Well off you go and have fun, think I'll call it a night." You told her, doubtful you would last much longer without passing out.

"Aeryn?"

"Yeah."

"Where are we gonna stay tonight."

"Well, we will camp by the prowler. It's not that cold."

"Come on, I'm sure we could find a really nice place, just for one night, we can afford it."

"We can't afford to waste money on that." You insisted.

"But you can afford to drink the bar dry?" She taunted you.

"Well, you're right. I spent all my currency on drink and now we can't afford a room." You replied.

"Come on, it will cost more in fuel to go back to Moya again and then return tomorrow." Chianna reasoned.

"No it would not!" You tell her, growing frustrated.

"Well, almost." She told you.

Truthfully your mind was too fuzzy to add up the costs anyway, so you couldn't really argue. But you had spent way too much on drinks, and if you really weren't going back to Moya, ever, you would have to make your supplies last. Besides it was one night, it wasn't cold, you didn't want to leave the prowler overnight, maybe you were drunk, but you were very determined that you were going to camp by the prowler. If only because Chianna didn't want to. No matter how oddly nice she was being to you, it was still fun to argue with her. Maybe she really wasn't being nice after all. Perhaps she just wanted an excuse to hang around on the planet, she was getting sick of being on Moya. She had a restless spirit, it was understandable.

"You go back to town if you want to." You told her. "But we're halfway back to the prowler now, and that's where you'll find me in the morning." It really did not occur to you to dump Chianna there and then like Crichton accused you of, and take off. You WOULD take her, and the circuit board, back to Moya first. Then you were free.

But if Chianna wanted to stay behind to have a good time, she didn't show it. She stated her agreement, under protest, that she too will make camp beside the prowler. "Fine" She said "Camping sounds just great." She added sarcastically.

"No one is forcing you to stay." You told her.

"I know that." She added. Then you saw something else. Something almost as horrifying as the disappointment in Crichton's eyes. Something like...pity. Pity, in Chianna's eyes. As if she felt sorry for you. As if she thought you could not take care of yourself. As if she thought SHE has to protect YOU which was the most ludicrous thing you could imagine!

Maybe she really does pity you. Maybe that's why she was the one to stick up for you, sort of, when the others saw the video of you and Moya's previous pilot. She knew what you had been, she didn't seem phased. It was Crichton who thought you were above all that, thought you were, or could be, better than a peace keeper, better than Crais. But Chianna looked you in the eye and saw you for who you were- a peace keeper. Rygel too, now you think of it. The two you wanted to toss overboard were the two who looked right through you, knowing who you were, down to the core. What does that say about you? Probably that you are just very drunk. But Crichton might have been right, maybe you and Chianna had more in common than you thought. It was Chianna who looked you in the eye, never excusing or defending what you did, but recognising you had changed and grown as a person. The most immature selfish brat on the ship, and somehow she managed to reach you, or perhaps it was the drink frelling with your mind? Maybe lack of oxygen on this planet? Whatever it was, it was a weight lifted off your shoulders as you headed for the prowler.

"Crichton really cares about you, you know that right?" Chianna asked out of nowhere.

"Crichton cares about himself, and his wormholes." You answer back.

"You really think that?" Chianna asked almost sadly.

"No." You sigh ed in defeat. "I believe he cares about people, Zaahn, D'Argo, you."

"He does." Chianna admitted. "He loves me like a little sister. Nothing more than that. Nothing like the way he feels for you. I know the way I am, the way I act, with men. But Crichton never showed any interest in me, he never looked at me the way he looks at you. He only has eyes for you, you do see that, right?"

You don't know why Chianna suddenly felt the need to proclaim Crichton's love for you. She was right though, Crichton looked to you differently. But that wasn't a good thing. He looked to you with disappointment, hopelessness, shame even.

You didn't know what to say to Chianna, so you said nothing.

You had been so caught up in your messed up thoughts, thoughts that had never bothered you before, about who you are and were and could be, and where you were going. You were also intoxicated, you admit it. So you weren't as vigilant as you normally would have been. Not nearly as vigilant. You didn't not notice the five men watching you and Chianna in the bar. Ok you noticed them, you had seen one of them earlier in the day flirting with Chianna, and presumed that they were looking at her. No doubt she had recreated with one or more of them, and perhaps they wanted more. But they made no move, and you didn't notice them leaving the bar right behind you, or follow you and Chianna as you made your way on foot back to the prowler.

Being that intoxicated felt good, so good that you lost sight of your judgement, just for a microt, and in doing so you made one of the biggest errors of judgement in your life. Endangering yourself was one thing, but endangering Chianna, that was exactly what Crichton accused you of. Even as a soldier, as a peace keeper, you had failed Chianna that night, failed at everything.

And, as it turns out, Crichton was right.


End file.
